WARNING: This is a long, slightly intense post, but it is from the depths of my heart -
I.E. Get out while you still can.
Image: The Birth of the Phoenix, Rising from the Ashes.
My word for 2013: Transcend.
The past two-threeish weeks have taught me something terrifying, but infinitely valuable if I choose to see it - I am dangerously close to a plateau. Spiritually. Physically. Emotionally. Many people my age hit it like a brick wall and never get past it. You graduate, get a lot of material things, a steady job, and WHAM. Security sets in. Settling sets in.
"Normal" sets in.
Superficially, I did very well in 2012. I exercised more - up from "not at all" - kept up (sometimes spottily) yoga, walking, and running. I read a lot more in the latter half of the year; a list which I'll share with you at the end of this month. I learned how to prioritise my purchases, keep up an independent household budget sans a credit card. I bought a house, a dog, a piano, and juggled all that with a new job. I exiled Facebook from my list of time-wasters (thank God). I went out a lot more and made new friends.
In my mind, I deserved a lot of kudos. But, let's be honest, here's the flip side of 2012.
I took a few friends for granted, too. I didn't tell certain people how much I truly love them, everything about them - people that I miss and hope one day I can be close to again. If you are one of them, I'm sorry. I couldn't see your struggles, I was so focused on my own. I chickened out and made light of things. I took petty things too seriously. I didn't write nearly as much as I could have. (I've done more to move me towards publishing in the last month than I have the whole year.) I bought stacks and stacks of books that I haven't even glanced at since. I could have run farther and faster. I've complained a helluva lot. I've let my emotional self, my soul, my spirit, languish, in the day-to-day hamster wheel.
In all things, I know I can do better. I will out-do myself. I will do better. I will stop giving myself an out by listening to those who mean well and pet my ego by telling me how great I am and how hard I work. I mean, yes, it's harder than the Average Jane, but since when do I want to be just a wee better than average? And yes, I need to acknowledge the triumphs, but much of it was Hamster stuff, corporeal stuff - stuff that fades and goes away eventually. I've attained some level of tangible success, yes, but it has not made me happy. And if I rest on my laurels, I find it takes me ages to get up from them.
As I was telling a good friend at 3:00am the other night -
I need to look after the Soul-Me in 2013, not just the Hamster-Me. And the Soul-Me is only at peace when it is outwardly focused.
I will do better in 2013.
I can get up earlier. I can work harder. I can deepen my mind in study. Thank more heartily. Pray more intensely. Care more consciously. I can wake up, snap out of this funk, and do MY best. Not what everyone else thinks is my best. I can Love more fiercely.
My cousin stayed over this weekend and while we were still abed in the noonish hour, she shared a verse that her mother texted to her. One I never knew existed. Regardless of your religion, or even if you haven't one, it is powerful.
"To him who knows to do good and does not do it, for him it is a sin." *
Here, we had a collective epiphany.
Doing nothing is easy. It's easy to go to work, come home, eat dinner and watch a movie, maybe go out with friends a couple times a week, going to bed by 10 like a good little girl. Now, forgive the caps, but...
THERE IS NOTHING GREAT ABOUT MY LIFE IF I DEFINE MYSELF BY WHAT I AM NOT.
I deserve no props for mere existance, for just getting by. You can disagree, but I would assert that there is NO merit in NOT getting pregnant, NOT getting wasted every weeknight, NOT doing drugs, NOT going out at all hours - because doing nothing requires no bravery, no drive, and NO CHOICE.
It's a mother-flipping human default.
What's hard is doing. So I've got to stop patting myself on the back for the things I DON'T do, who I'm NOT like, or what I'm BETTER than.
I must define myself by what I want to become. And I want to become a Soul that happens to have a body, not a short-sighted, selfish, ravenous Body inhabited by a stamped-down, shriveled-up soul.**
The sins of a "derelict" are usually against the self. The sins of the "righteous" are always against the World.
I must transcend or descend. Take ground, or give it up - there is no maintaining ground in this life.
This year, I choose to take back ground, whatever that means for me.
What does that mean for you? And if you find out what it means, what will you do? What will you choose?
*James 4:17, NKJ
** Attribution to CS Lewis: "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."
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