Heart Homework and Scrapping the Soulmate Schema
So at age 14, I made a list that was (I shite you not) 67 items long. It addressed everything. I mean EVERYTHING - physical traits, abilities, interests, character/personality style. I actually wrote, "Must be good at math," as a requirement. Cue facepalm.
Love became a lumbering monstrosity of "He-must-be-this," "He-should-like-that," "I-would-like-it-if." Few preferences of which, I might add, are even remotely relevant to who I am today. But after all, it made sense. Given a list of impossible standards, mistaking the "wrong guy" for your soul mate is pretty much a non-issue, right? Right.
The following mantra plagued my green years:
"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settled for."
When I told my mom I was compiling the Soulmate List, she smiled and said that she had done that as a young girl, too. Allegedly, she had shown it to her own mom, who replied, "Darling, there was only one man who had all that...and he walked on water."
I, however, was not the least bit dissuaded. So I needed a simpler list. So what? There were probably some things I could strip down. Qualities I could begrudgingly sacrifice. ("Must play musical instrument" - stricken with a cringe).
I managed to carve out 15 traits, but gave up no more. It was my Soulmate List, I thought (rather rebelliously), and if I was going to find him, I needed to be as specific as possible, so I wouldn't somehow miss out and *shudder* settle.
Looking back, I can't say that was totally a bad thing. It was simply a childish framework to protect a child. It doesn't give life the complexity that it is due, which is ok when you're building castles in the sky, just not relationships on planet earth.
Settling is a tragedy, but its meaning as an adult is different than as a child. And, sisters and brothers, the "Soulmate Schema" is simply -
(now I'm going to say something that is probably going to piss people off)
- petty, entitled, and dead wrong.
It assumes, even demands that: 1) God is Santa Claus. 2) Men are gods. 3) I deserve a perfect mate.
Three assumptions that are patently and inherently FALSE. I serve God, not the other way around. Men are men, flawed and beautiful both. And I, imperfect as I am, do not deserve anything, much less perfection.
Where is the grace? Where is the forgiveness? Where is the Love? Or perhaps Destiny has no room for any of that?
At about age 21, I realized I had to strongly evaluate my standards for a potential mate. I was left with another list this time, but of only the barest essentials. Everything else was scrapped. Everything else, I would embrace as negotiable. I let go of my "Soulmate Schema." It hurt. At first. There was a moment of panic, but then...calm. I felt free, peaceful, and my heart filled with just a bit more grace towards the male population.
Ladies and gentlemen, here it is. My list. My requisites. And guess what? I changed the wording. No more "He must be" BS. No. We must be, dammit.
WE MUST BE.
1) We must be spiritually compatible.
2) We must be lifelong learners.
3) We must be committed to Love each other and our family as an action, not a feeling related to our circumstances.
And that's it, my friends. That's all. Yours might be different. Should we aim for compatibility in goals and lifestyle, sure. But the extras? I say to God (and to my future husband)...
Surprise me.
~
PS I have to give huge kudos to two other blog posts addressing this same subject. They were inspirational to me and I HIGHLY recommend giving them a read:
My husband is not my soulmate, by Amanda at The Art in Life.
How I Know my Wife Married the "Wrong" Person, by Tyler at Cross Shaped Stuff
Neither are connected, but both are fantastic.
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