Kickstands, Witches, and the Brave Little Toaster: A Look at Dysfunctional Relationships

Part of caring about people on planet earth means that eventually, we will have an unhealthy or difficult friendship/romance/relative. No one is exempt. Consider the fairy tales - unhappy witch casts spell on happy prince/princess to make them equally unhappy. It works. Prince/princess is transformed into a tree, frog, swan, harp, whatever. But the real victory is that they are now just as unhappy as the original spellcaster.

Not that our loved ones are evil witches and wizards, but they do have spells to cast. The key is not letting this relationship turn you into something you don't want to be.

If a witch/wizard turned you into an inanimate object, what would you be?

Sometimes the difference between a good-for-you relationship and something less can be simply a matter of maturity. Sometimes its a matter of circumstances. For example, if you love someone who is going through a "rough patch," maybe they're emotionally, mentally, physically depleted - life basically dumped a truckload of lemons on them - and they need someone to lean on. You might be the one who gravitates to that role, simply because you want to help. You are the kickstand. A temporary support for an otherwise functional, but currently unbalanced bicycle.

Now, let's face it - a kickstand only works on a temporary basis. That is its purpose. If the bicycle functions properly, eventually it will re-balance and get back to buzzing around the neighborhood. A bike that uses you as a kickstand indefinitely doesn't really want a kickstand at all, but something else...

A doormat. No one wants to be a doormat. Those who use people this way often can't even see it. These days, we pride ourselves on not being meek, submissive, placating. But even the proudest non-doormat has that one person that can turn them into one. That one wizard that knows just the right spell to drag them around by their proverbial nose. They are typically unhappy people who utilize guilt, misapplied loyalty, and other emotional manipulation to make you just as unhappy as they are. At first, you willingly assisted them in their time of trouble as a temporary kickstand - but the "time of trouble" or "rough patch" never ended. You realized, too late, that your mate is not in a time of trouble, but is chronically unhappy. Misery loves company. Unhappy people need doormats. The spell has been cast.

But there is another kind of relationship. You can find this person. (If you haven't already.) You can be this person. (If you aren't already.) This is the elevator. An elevator carries you both up the skyscraper. You have a shared goal. The rooftop. You may get off at different floors, but because your aim is the same, you bump into each other along the way. You encourage the other to get on the most current run upwards, and sometimes you hang out in the waiting area. But eventually, you both get in and get moving. If your loved one is a true comrade and not simply a wizard, they will want shared happiness.

Think about your most challenging relationship at the moment. In that relationship, which object are you? Which object is the other person?

A kickstand?
A doormat?
An elevator?
Something else?

Perhaps, as in kid's film The Brave Little Toaster, you are Lampy - you brighten up everything and everyone around you. On the flip side, maybe you are more like Kirby and you suck the life out of your environment. You could be Blanky...cosy, comfy, but easily trod on. (If you haven't seen TBLT, this why you lie awake at 2 am staring at the ceiling feeling like you wasted your youth. You did. Plus it's a fantastic study in group dynamics. But I digress...)

Stop. Reflect. You might think you are only being a kickstand (or even an elevator) for someone you care about, when in reality, you are simply being their doormat. Perhaps after thinking critically, you may realize you are (gasp!) actually a wizard yourself.

The funny thing about it is you can't be all of them in a single relationship. At some point, you have to choose. This can be simply moving forward with a new lifestyle or attitude. If a loved one has been using you as a doormat, they might become angry at the new discomfort. If you were simply a kickstand, they should be eager to get on board with you.

Don't let anyone, no matter how much you care about them, delay, destroy, or deplete your happiness.

Don't let a wizard turn you into some thing you don't want to be.

You decide.