Embracing the Ghosts of Hearts Past, Present, and Future

NOTE: If personal reflective pieces are not your cup of tea, please pass on the following post. 

In October of 2012, I took some time reflecting on the major events of my life. I came to the conclusion that my personal cosmic waterfall is attracted to round numbers and two year gaps. You can read the whole post here, if you wish. 

To sum up, I listed the years numerically and described the major events of each. 2006 - Started Running Start. 2008 - Got AA, started at UW. 2010 - Graduated UW, started work at Washington Business Week. 2012 - Got Director position at Franke Tobey Jones, bought my own home. 

Under #5, I had written "????" and mused at what the year 2014 might bring, remarking that I had horrible timing when it came to relationships, mentioning that I had to be content that everything else is my life was well-timed. In a later piece, I remarked that I was "still boy-less", and that the topic was something for another post. 

This is that post. Because soon, those question marks will be gone. 

In 2006, I wondered why God was not giving me the relationship I wanted. I know now I was not mature enough for one.

In 2008, the relationship I thought I wanted? Ended. I was angry at myself, and him, and God. I was emotionally paralyzed. I hated being alone. I know now I was too selfish and bitter and spiritually unstable for a relationship.

In 2010, I mellowed and started trying again. I flirted, made connections here and there, only to watch each die in the cradle. I know now I was too busy for a relationship, too exhausted - and alone, in a state of focus, was exactly where I needed to be. 

In 2012, I faced severe disappointment twice in the same year. But I learned to bounce back faster, stronger. In December, my cousin and I decided that we were going to stop complaining. In the first week of February 2013, a good friend and I decided to write down our fears, burn the pieces, and start the new year over. I know now that I had to learn that art - the art of forgiving and letting go of fear.

At the beginning of 2013, I went on my first date with Ross. In 2014, I will be marrying the love of my life. Only a year ago, there was nothing you could have said to convince me of that possibility. I had yet to see the pattern.

I did get lucky, yes. But if I had met him anytime before, things would never have worked out. There is only one reason things have blossomed the way they have.

With each passing year of frustration and loneliness, my Maker has been teaching me a different lesson. To forgive, to not complain about petty things, to have sexual self-control and selflessness, to be tough, give people space, be content in alone time, be flexible, grieve in a healthy manner, to pray, to strengthen my confidence in my parents and family, and to be at peace with who I am.

Yes, hindsight is 20/20. And I'm not saying being alone doesn't suck. IT DOES. The purpose of this post isn't to brag either. The purpose is to give you hope. To let you know that you maybe aren't as alone as you feel. For years, I thought I was the martyr of my own relationship tragedy. Now, looking back? I am so, so grateful. Why? Our experiences make us who we are. And timing is everything. Maybe you might be ready, but the person you need is in the middle of their own lessons. 

The truth is... I can only truly love Ross now because I am not the same person that I was in 2006. And vice versa.

Are things going to be perfect? Hell no. But I'm stoked to see what the years will reveal. Mayhaps a new sister or brother-in-law, adventures to new lands...a publishing contract? Wink wink, nudge nudge...

What wonders will they will bring for you, my friend? Part of predicting the future is piecing together the past, after all. What lessons have you learned? For what kind of blessings are you being prepared?

You can be damn sure that whatever they bring,

the following will still be true:

I am thankful that I didn't get what I wanted at the time,

because what I needed was infinitely better.

Merry Christmas, my friends, and the Happiest of New Years to you.