Silence

Of late, I've been silent on the state of my mind.

This is not because my mind has been quiet. Frankly, the opposite.

In fact, it's been so noisy Upstairs that I'm having trouble getting it all out on paper. Normally tapping out my  ravings helps to calm the inner labyrinthine monologue that is my neurological network. Writing is, for me, a sort of meditative practice as much as a passionate pursuit. A prayerful fruition of inner chaos shared just as much for my own sanity as for others' relating and reading.

It's taken years to familiarize myself with my own writer's voice and - oh joy of joys - to let it rise and settle on the uppermost layer of my skin. To wear my particular brand of observation, confusion, and clarity on my sleeves.

These days, I can spew my poetry, philosophical dilemmas, rants, grieving etc. on a regular basis, and not in the "Dear Diary" nonsense sense, but also not in the repressed "keep it classical" sense either.

In high school and college, when a topic would get too personal, I realized I had the tendency to take on my "Oxford Professor" voice - the Professor was safe, factual, and yet sparse in soul. The Professor was eloquent, to be sure, but always came short of sharing any real feeling.

It's taken me a long, purposeful while to develop a voice that is real, raw, and occasionally leaves me feeling exposed. A voice that sounds an awful lot like how I actually sound in conversation with an old friend after midnight and a few Blue Moons.

This is the Authentic Voice.

I still fall short of it. Often, in fact. But I've noticed that these days, when I'm afraid of sharing what Authentic Voice has to say, rather than reverting back to the old, comfortably laconic musings of the Oxford Professor, I simply fall silent.

If I go for days or weeks without posting here, chances are not that I have nothing to say, but that I'm too...too afraid to attempt sharing my thoughts in the Authentic Voice. Silence on this blog usually bodes for a swarming beehive in my head.

When the beehive gets so overrun that I can't even channel them into printed words, you know there's something off kilter.

But as a writer, honesty is something I cannot afford to lose. Honesty is what separates the wannabes from the legends.

I'm trying. I really am. Let's see if we can break the silence.